What do you say to a person who has suffered a loss that is incomprehensible? Is it okay to ask about the death, or should you avoid the subject? How do you address a child that has passed? What can you say that will comfort them? Are you going to say something that may offend them? Do you hug them? What in the hell do you do?
Well, here are some suggestions that I have come up with that may help. These apply to me solely. I do not speak for anyone else, but hopefully, they will be applicable to others, as well. Every situation and person is different, but most likely, these are not far off.
1. Do not be afraid to approach me. A majority of my anxiety stems from people who do not come and talk to me because they do not know what to say. I see you looking in my direction then uncomfortably cutting your eyes away. I would rather you reach out to me than spend your entire time in my presence acting like I’m not here or you do not know that my child died. Just come talk to me.
2. That brings me to my second point. My child died. It happened. It is terribly heart wrenching, but it is okay to talk about it. I am telling you that it is. I want you to know what happened. I NEED you to know because I need you to know the truth. I was there. I did not see the actual incident, but I was 10 feet away from her on the other side of the door when it happened, and forensics do not lie.
3. Do not tell me “Everything happens for a reason”, “God has a plan”, “Time will heal all wounds”, and/or “She’s in a better place”. I hope all of those things are true, but until you have had a child savagely and abruptly ripped from your life, do not speak on the death of my child. Just say “I’m sorry”, “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” Anything else is noise to me.
4. It is okay to say her name. It is okay to laugh. I love hearing funny stories about her. I love hearing about how she affected people, whether it be her infectious laugh, helpful/snarky comments, a smile, a sweet gesture, etc.
5. Lastly, Adrienne has two brothers and a sister, and her passing has left them with an interstice. Please apply these suggestions to your dealings with them as well. Be loving. Be tactful. Be supportive. Your thoughts and prayers are considerably comforting way more than you could imagine.
I apologize if my words are tactless or crass, but sensitivity and grace are not exactly my main priorities at the moment. Please do not think that I am not grateful for the outpouring of love that we have received. I am honestly just trying to make things easier and less uncomfortable for everyone.
Thank you to all who have stuck beside me. It is not easy. I’m well aware.
I want to include a resource on this blog that pertains to Adrienne’s death and/or gun safety...
Please visit the link below, and if you are able, donate supplies to Bo’s Place. Bo’s Place is grief support group the kids and I will be attending. It’s free of charge and comes highly recommended by everyone I have spoken to. Thank you in advance for your support to Bo’s Place.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/ls/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_v/145-8444747-9503255?ie=UTF8&lid=UNF2DZRP9F7I&ref_=cm_wl_rlist_go_v&ty=wishlist#top
